“I imagine death so much it feels more like a memory”

“I imagine death so much it feels more like a memory
When’s it gonna get me?
In my sleep? Seven feet ahead of me?
If I see it comin’, do I run or do I let it be?
Is it like a beat without a melody?”

Lin-Manuel Miranda wrote these lyrics in his play Hamilton for the song “My Shot”.

He said  the scariest lyric he wrote was “I imagine death so much it feels more like a memory” because it was an extremely vulnerable admission.

Honestly, I understand why…

This isn’t exactly the most exciting subject matter, its quite morose actually. More than that it is also a kind of taboo to speak about death because apparently you’re “calling out” to death.

I don’t know what that is supposed to mean, but from my understanding I’m apparently inviting death into my life?

I don’t think there is such a thing as inviting death into your life, because the fact of the matter is that death is always a part of life.

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We’ve all experienced the death of a loved one and it’s not a easy thing to understand or explain because all we do is learn how to process it and then move on.

The reason why I started this post with that quote was because it is something that I think about often enough too, that it feels like a memory.

Let me just straight out explain that I DO NOT think about killing myself. That is not what I mean.

Despite being nearly 25, I do think about my death often. I’m not sure how it started but it’s become a thing I think of once every few days. It scares me sure, but another part of it is in doing so, I’m growing more aware of the fact that everyone dies, and you can’t predict it.

I wonder if I’ll die young, or die old, die crossing the rode, die in a mugging, be murdered, die in a car accident or from an unexpected medical condition.

I think that thinking about death reminds me that nothing in life is guaranteed and that I’m fortunate to have experienced the things that I have so far. So many people younger than me have died and never got to experience the mess and wonder of life.

I’m very grateful for everything in my life especially because none of it has ever been guaranteed. In some ways its what constantly motivates me too because I want to leave my mark on the world before I die. Having made an impact no matter how small.

I understand the taboo around it, and I’m sure I’ll get the few messages asking if I’m alright because this isn’t something people normally speak about, but i guess I’ve never been much of normal person.

Life has been tough lately, but no more so than usual. I think the thing I’m probably struggling with most is balancing it all, and making time for my mental health.

I’m learning to be more grateful for what live has given me, because so many things could have gone wrong in my life, but i’m so happy to have worked hard and made it as far as I have.

I still have a lot of things I want to achieve in my life – become a published author, find love, build a home, raise children, write, travel and do things in life that occasionally scare me but i’m already grateful about what I have already achieved.

I’d like to believe that I’ve made a positive impact over someone’s life so far, and I hope to continue being one.

There is this phrase from a song that has stuck with me, and it just works: “Que sera, sera, whatever will be will be, the future’s not ours to see, que sera sera.”

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Theo. Over and Out.

PS – It’s trippy, scary and interesting when you realize that not just this moment, but every day of your life you’re closer to dying.

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