I recently had an epiphany, and was able to pinpoint my deep attraction to quiet guys.
It’s not because every Young Adult book and movie idolises the quiet, stoic and mysterious guys, but I realised it had more to do with my feelings and personality.
Whenever I speak to a guy I like or am attracted to, I usually hide my feelings and over-thinking personality, and I manage very well…until that moment when I don’t.
I can pinpoint that moment because it is usually a wall of text where after feeling particularly raw, the hamster wheel doesn’t just keep turning, the wheel breaks and the hamster keeps running.
It’s a train wreck that I always regret after having sent the message until that moment I don’t regret it.
Usually after sending these essays of text I then send a “sorry for that, it just spilled out”.
However, what I’ve noticed is that I usually feel better after that because it feels like I’ve been suppressing my feelings and letting it out finally allows me to breathe a little easier.
My mind feels calmer and I feel like I’m not suffocating in my feelings as much.
It is really difficult. I like calling those moments my spirals – it is when my feelings spiral out of control but at the same time I feel like I regained control of my sanity.
I realised that with the constant running and churning of my mind, I liked the appeal of someone quiet.
I like someone quiet but not scared to speak up when they need to. Quiet doesn’t mean serious too but just having that quiet presence. The reason why I like someone quiet is because when my feelings gets the better of me, they need to be able to keep a level head.
There needs to be someone that can be the calm in a fast rising, fast dissipating storm and they won’t be moved/freaked/hurt by the storm.
A person who can realise that my feelings of worry isn’t always about them, but rather more about my concerns and fears I have when dating/having feelings for someone.
I’ve have always maintained that I hate developing feelings for someone because of how it affects me, and that I think is something that will always be true. Sure, I can’t help who I develop feelings for, but that sensation of caring so much and the wondering if they like me back or find me funny just causes something in my mind to short circuit.
[And if one more person tells me I need to relax, I swear I’m going to cut someone. Do you really think that I purposefully want to be this uptight, and controlled by my feelings? Get the fuck out of here.]
Not a lot of people can understand that.
A mistake that can be interpreted from this is that I want a knight in shining armour.
I don’t. If a knight comes along great but I don’t need someone to rescue me. If the last two years has taught me anything, it is that I can save myself.
It’s hard but succeeding on your merits is one of the greatest feelings you can ever have.
Almost all the guys I’ve liked have been soft-spoken or had a calm demeanour – which I’ve felt have balanced me out.
Someone different enough from me who I can learn from, and who can learn from me – a partnership wherein we challenge, excite and love each other.
Someone I can weather the storms of life with, and also occasionally the unexpected storm of my feelings.
So far, I have yet to encounter a person who can withstand the storm.
I like the quiet wherein I can find solace, the quiet wherein I can find peace, the quiet wherein I can find love, the quiet wherein I can find knowledge – the quiet where someone can calm the noise and doesn’t always have to say something.
Also don’t mistake that I want to be with a quiet guy for selfish reasons, because when I care for someone, I’d go to the ends of the earth to make them happy. I can’t like someone for self interest, because one of things that make me happy is being able to make someone else happy.
Partnerships are the name of the game, and it is a partnership in which we can both thrive.
Now how do I find that unicorn of quiet guy who doesn’t mind being with a somewhat loud guy?
Theo. Over and Out.
PS – While I do like quiet guys, I won’t rule out seeing someone loud. If I like someone then I just go with the feelings. Ain’t nobody got time to keep finding faults with people.